Where oh where oh where is Stefani?

Well, before I knew what happened, weeks and weeks have gone by with no update from me. I’ve thought of it lots, but the time has just never been right to sit down, take a deep breath, and plunge into the sea of emotion and ideas and ponderings that pregnancy brings.

This entry will be disjointed, obscure, and wandering at best. But it is an update, and it is the very best that I can muster right now. I’m afraid the days of my eloquent and well thought out missives are gone!

I wish that I could go into all of the trying things that have happened in the last few weeks, but I’m afraid this public forum is just not the place to do it. Suffice it to say that if I could tell you all that has transpired, I’m sure you’d understand, and cut me a little slack for having been such a no show!

One of the more exciting and pleasant aspects of our recent business has been my oldest son, Luke’s first ventures out into having a life, and obligations that are somewhat independent of us. He has begun swim class at the University of Texas, and has started AWANA at church.

Swim class is a one night a week comedy of errors at a great big indoor pool. It’s loud and tough for the kids to hear, but it is, so far, accomplishing what we hoped it would. Luke tends to be a shy, slow to warm up to new ideas, kind of kid. He LOVED the pool over the summer though, and it became the place that he was fearless, daring even, and he gained a great deal of confidence each time that we went. He was swimming (albeit and terribly awkward form), jumping in, and even beginning to come up for a breath and go back under to swim farther. He did all of this without much effort on our part at all. We hoped to continue that enthusiasm, and continue his feelings of accomplishment. We’ve been to two (of ten) classes so far, and while the instructors are great, the place is so incredibly loud and there is so much going on that a 3 ½ year old gets terribly distracted. I don’t think he’s learned anything new or improved his swimming at all, but he is very proud of himself. He has a little Speedo that looks like bike shorts and he’s ecstatic that it’s just like the guys on the Olympics wore. He has goggles, which he carries in his “swim bag” and he feels big, and tough to get to go to class on his own. Afterward we go together for ice cream, and he tells me what a great swimmer he is (even though I sit only feet away during the whole lesson, and already know exactly what he did.)

AWANA is a little bit like a scouting program, without the outdoors part. The kids have a little vest and a book, which they carry around in a special little bag.. They have weekly lessons and memorize scripture. They earn patches for this work, for character, for attendance, etc. They go to “club night” weekly at which they sing, play games, and are awarded for their efforts. Luke is having a ball, and again, feels very big. It’s kind of cool for James too because it means that every Friday, we have an hour and a half to dedicate to him. We call it James’ Date Night. We take him out to eat, or for a treat, or to do a special activity, and he seems to really appreciate being the recipient of some special time all for him.

Let’s recap: that’s swim lessons Wed night, a group from our church meets here on Thursday night, and AWANA on Friday night. I am getting the first glimpses of how life with children can get very busy, very fast. I don’t want to be one of those parents who is constantly shuttling kids to activities, and never has time to just be with her kids, or just let her kids BE kids, but I can see now how easily it can happen, even with the best of intentions.

In Other News:

Since this is a BABY diary, I shall update you on the BABY! I am reluctant to do so though because I’m kind of worried, and a little leary about putting my worries out there. It makes them seem more real. But let me back up a bit…

We have, at long last picked a name for this child. A great many factors went into the choosing:. We wanted him to have something all his own. We thought that as a third child, he warranted something unique, something he would not have to share, something that would kind of make a strong and decisive place in the world for him. At the same time, we have come to realize that Eric’s father has now SEVEN grandsons, and not a one named after him, and we thought that was kind of a shame. And, though we did not choose our children’s names for the Biblical reference, they do both have Biblical names, and we were a bit concerned that, especially considering that all five of their male cousins also have Biblical names, we were beginning to sort of convey the idea that we thought choosing Biblical names was an imperative, the only “right” thing to do, and somehow earned the kid special status or something. Not the case. So, we scoured the books, bantered and sometimes brawled and could not for the life of us agree on a name. We considered Zack (too common), Jude (which I still love, but again, leaning toward legalism), Jordan (is becoming more of a girls name), and a host of others. And then one day I heard a name that I loved, and I ran into Eric’s office. “Rider! Do you love it? It’s tough, it’s flexible, it’s unique, that’s IT!!!!” For a couple of weeks we rolled around. We thought perhaps it would be too weird for him and he’d hate that he could never have the cute pencils and bike sized license plates that come with your name printed on them. We thought maybe he’d be teased and hate us for giving him an unusual name. But more and more, it just seemed to be right. Eric was in his office, and I was in mine one day while the boys were sleeping, and I sent him an email… “Rider Thomas or Rider William?”. He wrote back, “Ryder?” “Sure, that’s cool. I like the “Y”. Then Eric pointed out that his dad is Richard William, so if we went with Ryder William, it’s a nice tribute. And it was done. We figure if he hates it, he can choose to be Will or Liam or Billy or whatever floats his boat. Hopefully, he’ll just love being Ryder. I think it’s a totally rockin name that could either be a cowboy tough guy, a jock, a poet or prep. We’ve already called him, Low Ryder, Midnight Ryder, Easy Ryder, Rough Ryder... and a million other variations.

Just about the time that the boy got a name, I developed a terrible, and near debilitating case of the nesting instinct . With the other boys, I definitely had fits of organizing and decorating, but it never felt so urgent, this is a whole new ballgame. I have now painted all three boys rooms, made curtains for each, covered their bulletin boards with matching fabric, made decorative pillows for their beds, reorganized all their toys, brought out and weeded through all the winter clothes, painted the dining room, made new curtains for the dining and living rooms, emptied, cleaned and organized the kitchen drawers and cabinets, cleaned out the drawers and closets in our room, and cleaned out the hall closet where all craft supplies, movies, CDs, important papers, blankets etc are kept. I’ve also begun making the baby’s quilt, bed skit, cover for the changing pad, and a couple of little blankets. I have been a madwoman, and it is as though some force outside of myself compels me. I will suddenly come to and find that it is 11:30 at night and I am on a ladder dusting ceiling fans for no apparent reason. How did I get here? Where did this feather duster come from? It is weird! I go and go and go and clean and create and fuss over stuff and then I will have a moment of clarity and think, “why is this so very important to me? Is this some kind of desperate attempt to bring my life under control?” Poor Eric just goes along with it. I have been known more than once to rip his head straight off if he dares to say something as inane as, “honey, it’s midnight, and you’re not due for another two months, you could probably finish sewing the baby’s dust ruffle tomorrow.” The nerve.

And yet, I began filling out my forms for the hospital admissions today, and found that I was supposed to have this done and turned in weeks ago. I began to think about the things that we need (diapers, bottles, warm sleepers, baby thermometer, binkies, bumper pads… where did all of this stuff go? Did we sell it, use it up, lose it, what?) and I realized that I am so completely unprepared for the REALITY of a baby in the house! I have been imagining what it will be like to have another little boy, and I’ve yet to prepare for having a NEWBORN, or giving BIRTH! What is wrong with me? A baby? A BABY!!! Oh Dear God in Heaven… I am going to have a baby! Do I even know what to do with them anymore? How will I mother THREE?????

And this brings me to the last few days… I have been having a great deal of pressure and pain in my lower abdomen and back. The baby seems to have dropped. I am only 29 weeks and I am growing increasingly worried that this baby is going to come WAY early.

With Luke, my water broke at 38 weeks, I was dilated to 2 and induced. With James, I was dilated to 5 at 38 weeks, and induced. So, it does seem that I have a tendancy toward early, and that it has gone progressively quicker with each baby. But this is WAY WAY WAY early.

I am not ready for this.

I am terrified of the thought that the baby might be harmed by being born this soon.

And I am trying desperately not to stress out, to just take it easy, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I’ve reorganized all my “to do” and “need” lists into things that need to be done right away, just in case (like buying diapers and bottles and packing a hospital bag) and things that don’t have to be done right away (like finishing the quilt that matches the curtains in Ryder’s room). I’m trying to stop all the imagining, to let go of my perfect world scenarios and get real, real fast.

I have a doctor appointment on Wednesday of this week, and I hope that he can either tell me that things appear to be just fine, or at least prepare me for the hurdles we may have to jump if the baby does, in fact, come early.

In the meantime, I would appreciate your prayers. Pray that Ryder will just grow and be healthy and stay where he is for as long as he needs to. Pray that I can stand up to the challenges that our family is facing right now, with grace and with peace. Pray that I can relax and learn the lessons that I need to learn… that no coat of paint, no seam sewn, no list made and checked off will give me control over this messy, unpredictable thing called life. Pray that I can stop my ferocious and panicked paddling and just float.

Thanks for being here, for reading, for plodding along the best you can, as mother’s do, and for the support and concern that you all give so freely.

Ryder’s Mama