728x90
my iParenting
From Our Sponsors
e-newsletters
Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters

new terms of use
new privacy policy
award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.

A Partner in Birth

The Single Mother's Guide to Choosing a
Birthing Coach
By Kelly Burgess

There are a lot of decisions to make if you're a single woman expecting a child, but probably the first really important one is finding a birth coach. While the father, if he's willing and available, is an obvious choice, he may not be the best choice. And, if he's not willing or available, it's important to find someone who can fill what is going to be a key role in your and your baby's lives.

Some women may feel most comfortable with their mother or best friend. Others may prefer a trained professional, such as a birth doula, to be at their side and be their liaison with the medical staff. What's most important is that it be someone who will focus only on you, because this is a time that's all about you.

The Me Factor
Penny Simkin is a Seattle-based doula, childbirth educator and the author of several books on pregnancy and childbirth, including The Birth Partner(Harvard Common Press, 2001). She says a laboring woman has to be totally and completely selfish and should consider only one factor when choosing a birth coach: What can they do for me?

"A single mother often is considering a particular person like her sister or mother or boyfriend, because they want to be there," says Simkin. "But what she should be asking herself is what this person can do for her. In other words, what qualities does that person possess? Does she have a sense of calm or a good knowledge of the process? If she realizes she's allowing that person to be her birth coach because that person wants it rather than for herself, she needs to reevaluate her decisions. This is the time to be selfish."

Although a big part of her life is spent as a paid birth partner, Simkin does recommend that even if a woman hires a doula, the mother have someone she's close to there during the birth as well.

"The doula is only a part of the woman's life for a short time," says Simkin. "A woman on her own benefits from having someone there who she has a long-term relationship with. This is not just for the mother either. There's something about being present at the birth of a baby that just makes that baby special, and it's great for a child to have someone in his or her life who has those long-standing feelings."

It's All Relative
Jennifer Ramsey, of Omaha, Neb., is also a doula, but 12 years ago she was just a scared teenager, pregnant and single. She chose her mother to be at her side during labor.

"I don't know why I picked her, I just knew I wanted her there for emotional support," says Ramsey. "She seemed to know about everything and it just gave me comfort to know that she was nearby."

Ramsey suggests that a single woman choose someone who can "go the distance." In other words, she likes to see a coach who is willing to go through childbirth courses with the woman, such as Lamaze classes.

This recommendation also comes from personal experience. Her mother took Lamaze classes with her when she was pregnant, but Ramsey was so overwhelmed by her worry of how she would cope after the baby was born that she admits she didn't pay attention. Fortunately, her mom did, and it really helped when Ramsey did go into labor.

What to Avoid
What Ramsey suggests watching out for is anyone who may be bringing a personal agenda into the birthing room. She's seen mothers of patients who were very resentful that their daughter was pregnant or that they were becoming a grandmother, who were less than helpful. She's seen "best friends" who were so unprepared for the birth process that they were extremely negative through the entire birth.

In Andrea Engber's case, her closest relatives were half a continent away, so that wasn't an option. Instead, Engber, of Charlotte, N.C., asked her boss and his wife, who she was very close to, to be her coaches. It worked well for her.

"They argued so much during the delivery that it distracted me from my pain," says Engber, of Charlotte, N.C.

While it's great that Engber was distracted, this is not necessarily the approach that Simkin recommends. She prefers that a birthing coach work with the woman's natural rhythms and try to avoid distracting her.

"A birthing coach doesn't need to know medical stuff," says Simkin. "They don't need to know about membranes or monitors or anything else that the doctors and nurses are there for. What they need to know is how to provide emotional support. They need to understand the emotional stages of labor so they're not asking questions at inappropriate times or distracting the mother when she's working to find a place inside herself to get through the process. Your job is to just make sure that place is calm."

Thanks for the Memories

The birth of your child is the most important thing you can share with anyone. But although it was rough on you, it wasn't a tiptoe through the tulips for your coach, either. Chances are that he or she spent many hours preparing and then a long stretch in the birthing room being at your beck and call.

How do you thank someone for such dedication? Of course, just knowing they helped you through a difficult time is probably thanks enough, but if you'd like to give them something a little more memorable, here are a few ideas.

  1. A day at a spa. They pampered you, now you return the favor.
  2. A beautifully framed picture of them with the baby. They'll remember the miracle of the baby's birth every time they look at it.
  3. A birth-themed sculpture, such as Birthing Goddess from the Birth Art Marketplace. They have amazing gifts for any birth partner.
  4. Time with you. Get a sitter, if possible, and take your birth coach out for a nice lunch or dinner and some quiet conversation. Going for afternoon tea is also a nice idea. If you can't get a sitter, consider a nice picnic at the park with food from a local restaurant.
  5. A gift certificate for your birthing coach's favorite store. This is an easy one, but pair it with something nice only you know your birthing partner likes.

Want to see more?


About the Author: Kelly Burgess is a senior contributing writer for iParenting Media.

back to index