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The Birth Partner
Everything You Need to Know to
Help a Woman Through Childbirth


The Birth PartnerEarly in pregnancy, it seems that nine months is forever and that there is plenty of time to do everything that has to be done. It is all too easy, especially for busy people, to postpone "getting into" the pregnancy. Now, suddenly, the baby is almost due. Time has flown by. As the mother's birth partner, you realize she is counting on you to help her through childbirth. Do you feel ready? Can you help her? What do you know about labor? Do you know what to do when? What should you do now to get ready for the baby?

It is not too late to learn and do what needs to be done. But you had better start right away – a few weeks before the due date is truly the "last minute," especially since many babies arrive early. This first chapter is basically a checklist of things you should do before labor starts to help ensure that you will work well with the mother during the labor and birth. Also included are suggestions about how you can prepare beforehand for the baby's arrival.

Getting Ready for Labor
If you haven't already done the things described in the following pages, try to get them done a few weeks before the due date or at least before labor starts.

The Take-Charge Routine
Reserve this routine for any time during labor when the mother reacts in any of these ways:

  • She hits an emotional low.
  • She is in despair, weeps or cries out.
  • She wants to give up or feels she cannot go on.
  • She is very tense and cannot relax.
  • She is in a great deal of pain.

The Take-Charge Routine is exactly that. You move in close and do all you can to help the mother until she regains her inner strength. Usually her despair is brief, and with your help, she can pass through it, and her spirits will rise. Use whatever parts of this routine seem appropriate:

  • Remain calm. Your touch should be firm and confident. Your voice should remain calm and encouraging.
  • Stay close. Stay right by her side, your face near hers.
  • Anchor her. Hold her shoulders or her head in your hands – gently, confidently, firmly – or hold her lightly in your arms.
  • Make eye contact. Tell her to open her eyes and look at you. Say it loudly enough for her to hear you – but calmly and kindly.
  • Change the ritual she has been using during contractions. Suggest a different position. Try changing the breathing pattern. Breathe with her or pace her with your hand or voice.
  • Encourage her every breath. Say "Breathe with me ... BREATHE WITH ME ... That's the way ... just like that ... Good ... STAY WITH IT ... just like that ... LOOK AT ME ... Stay with me, Good for you ... It's going away ... Good ... Good ... Now just rest. That was so good." You can whisper these words or say them in a calm, encouraging tone of voice. Sometimes you have to raise your voice to get her attention. But try to keep your tone calm and confident.
  • Talk to her between contractions. Ask her if what you are doing is helping. Make suggestions. For example, "With the next one, let me help you more. I want you to look at me the moment it starts. We will breathe together so it won't get ahead of us. OK? Good. You're doing so well. We're really moving now."
  • Repeat yourself. She may not be able to continue doing what you tell her for more than a few seconds, but that's fine. Say the same things again and help her continue.

What if she says she can't or won't go on? Here are some guidelines:

  • Don't give up on her. This is a difficult time for her. You cannot help her if you decide she cannot handle it. Acknowledge to her and to yourself that it is difficult, but remind yourselves that it is not impossible.
  • Ask for help and reassurance. The nurse, caregiver or another support person can help a lot – measuring dilation, giving you advice, doing some of the coaching, trying something new, even reassuring you that the mother is OK and that this is normal.
  • Remind the mother of her baby. It may seem surprising, but women can get so caught up in labor that they do not think much about their baby. It may help her to remember why she is going through all this.

What about pain medications? Do you call for them or not? It depends on:

  • The mother's prior wishes: Did she want an unmedicated birth? How strongly did she feel about it? Sometimes asking for pain medications is a way of saying "I need more help."
  • Her rate of progress and how far she still has to go.
  • How well she responds to your more active coaching.
  • Whether she is asking for medications herself and how easily she can be talked out of them.

These considerations can help you decide what to do. It is sometimes difficult to balance present wishes against prior wishes. Try to stick with what the mother wanted before labor regarding the use of medication. But if she insists on changing the plan, respect her wishes. Numerous women have said, "I never could have done it without my partner. If it hadn't been for him (or her), I would have given up." By using the "Take-Charge Routine," you can indeed get the mother through those desperate moments when she feels she cannot go on; you can truly ease her burden by helping with every breath.

Want to see more?

This is an excerpt from the book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin.

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