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A Really, Really Big Christmas
by Gwen Kopetzky
I just don't get it. Why can't my near-perfect husband get within a rack or five of my size?

Imagine my delight one Christmas to find under the tree a new pair of my favorite purple slippers, size nine. Together with my four-sizes-too-big purple short set from the holiday before, they completed the look -- the look of a grape in the throes of an allergic reaction, that is.

Purple Slippers I just don't get it. Why can't my near-perfect husband get within a rack or five of my size? I know I'm not alone in this. Other friends have complained of their husbands' clothes shopping largesse. And I do mean LARGEsse. Husbands never seem to err on the side of smallness, do they? One friend lamented that it's one thing to have your great aunt from back East buy you something that would make a great couch slipcover, but it's completely unflattering when the one you snuggle up to at night does it.

I concur. At times I wonder if my husband's eyes reflect back a carnival funhouse mirror image of me stretched out to unbelievable girth.

I know that not all guys have the same shopping disability. I also know that the ones who do make such shopping boffs suffer from the tragedy just as much as -- if not more, longer and more wretchedly -- than their wronged wives. They don't mean harm. Women's clothes shopping is just not their forte (and why would it be?).

So in the hopes that there may be one less reviled pair of overgrown slippers, one less post-package-opening wifely glare this holiday, here are a few tips for those brave but misguided men in our lives skulking through the women's departments this pre-holiday season. Maybe leave this list laying out somewhere in the hopes that your husband might pick it up and try out some of my tips. Or e-mail them to a friend's most significant guy and make her Christmas that much better -- and well -- fitted.

Ask your wife her sizes. What a concept. It's true that asking the question may clue your wife into the fact you're buying her clothes for Christmas. You might think that would ruin the surprise, wouldn't you? Believe me, the surprise she'll get if you don't ask her and she unwraps a blouse on Christmas that would have fallen off her at nine months pregnant would be much less desirable.

Snoop through the closet. I swear there's a paralyzing male fear of being caught in the wife's closet. Not to worry -- no one will see you if you just go in there quickly and lift a few tags to jot down sizes. Just don't freeze up. The only danger here is that women often have "fat" and "skinny" clothes in the closet and you won't know exactly where your wife is along that continuum. But you'll probably get pretty close.

Talk to a sales clerk. This will require some men to stretch beyond their normal mall experience. I have witnessed my husband's shopping M.O. many a time. From my observation point, it went something like this: 1) Stride purposefully into men's department. 2) Make a beeline toward wall bins of jeans. 3) Scout out appropriate size. 4) Pull jeans out while simultaneously whipping out wallet. 5) Pay sales clerk quickly and stride purposefully out of store.

But if you want to find the right size for your wife, you may have to ask a sales clerk for help. If you know your wife's weight and height or you luck out and the sales clerk -- assuming the clerk is female -- is about the same size as your beloved, you can probably at least get within a size or two.

Gift Try it on. Are you about the same size as your wife? Hold your potential purchase up against yourself and model in a mirror to see how it might fit her. Is it a little too big? A little too tailored at the hips or snug through the tummy? (Actually, I just put this one in to make you feel less silly asking the sales clerk. Does it seem like a better idea now?)

Err on the side of smallness. I can't say this enough. If you can't bring yourself to look at tags, ask your wife or talk to a sales clerk, stay small or at least keep the size you buy under your wife's age unless you know for sure that's right. By the way, those two numbers -- clothing size and age -- aren't at all related after girls turn about 14 years old. I don't know if anyone ever tells men that.

I bet by now you think me a complete snob more interested in my appearance than the obvious thought and care that my husband puts into shopping for me.

Just stop it.

You wouldn't believe what my closet holds. Unless I have to keep the ensemble on by tying twine around my waist or taping the floppy things to my feet, I don't take back the clothes my husband buys me. I may only wear the voluminous garments around the house, but I will not hurt my husband's feelings. Appreciation for my spouse is much more important than my attire.

Oh, and for those of you who were waiting for me to point the guys toward the jewelry department: At one time I thought that was the answer. But today I have half a jewelry box full of clunky earrings and loud pins from Christmases past that say otherwise. Of course, I must say they do complement my anaphylactic grape outfit to perfection.

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