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Going It Alone
When You're Pregnant Far From Home
 By Shel Franco

Three months after Linda Dupie and her husband moved from California to Arlington, Va., they found out they were expecting their first child. With family and friends thousands of miles away, the Dupies soon realized how isolating a pregnancy could be.

"Not only was I in a strange place, but I was the first of my friends to be married and having children. It was a bit scary," Dupie says.

Why shouldn't it be? Experiencing morning sickness, seeing ultrasounds and feeling the baby's kicks are all things that deserve to be shared. And according to relationship expert Dr. Margaret Paul, "Going it alone is never advisable. We were not meant to produce children in isolation, but in community."

If miles or circumstances have put distance between you and the community of people you know and love, following this advice can help you get the support you need and pump some fun back into your pregnancy.

Lean On Me
When you are missing the friends and family you have always depended on, it's only normal to wish they were around to share in this miracle of life. But, in the words of Crystal Porter, of Springfield, Ill., "Rely on what you have available instead of thinking about what you do not have."

While you might not think he has it in him, your spouse just might surprise you with his ability to fill at least some of your girlfriends' shoes.

woman on phone"My husband was wonderful!" Dupie says. "He paid attention to my needs and picked up the slack around the house when I was tired. He also came to all the doctor's appointments."

Expected husband stuff, sure. But besides the practical stuff, like taking over housework and going to the doctor's office, some women find their husbands going above and beyond the call of duty.

"When I was on bed rest, unable to do much and feeling pretty depressed one night, [my husband] painted my toenails for me," says Katie Gustafsson, of Eskilstuna, Sweden. "It was such a small thing but it gave me so much pleasure both to look at them peeking back at me from the bottom of the bed, and also to know that he cared enough to do something like that."

And Gustafsson's husband didn't stop there. "He read all the pregnancy books lying around so he understood what was happening when I needed to talk about things, even 'women's' things!" she says.

Gustafsson's husband also helped her in and out of the bathtub and gave her foot and body massages. When you think about it, many women can't find even one friend that's willing to go through such displays of support.

If you can't imagine your husband being so gracious, why not give him the chance to prove you wrong. Remember, it never hurts to ask.

Phone Home
No matter how much you love your husband, and no matter how hard he tries, there will be times when you need to share your experiences with someone else. Here's where you give yourself permission to call home as often as you need it, and then prepare yourself and your husband for the additional monthly expense.

"I ran up phone bills of over $100 calling home," says Kim Hoelzli, of Ontario, Canada. If the bills become too much to handle, you can always alternate the calls with letters or e-mails. That way, you can include a few photos of your changing body.

After a while, you might find that a trip home is what you really need. Keep in mind that travel during the first and second trimesters is considerably safer and more comfortable than travel during those last few weeks. Before you venture off on long-distance visits, confirm your plans with your doctor or midwife. And if you don't feel like traveling, why not suggest that your family and friends come to you?

Get Involved
"If a woman is alone and new in town, she needs to seek a new 'tribe'," Dr. Paul says. "That means looking for a church, woman's group, prenatal group and so on that can lead to friendship and support."

Where do you find these places? First off, check with your doctor or midwife about pregnancy support groups. Then, become an information hound, keeping your eyes peeled for newspaper blurbs and your ears open for pertinent conversations. Finally, use Internet searches and message boards like the ones at iParenting to your advantage. Here, you can meet and share with other expectant moms, and you can find out more about local and international organizations like MOMS Club and La Leche League International.

Once you get involved, don't be surprised at how these things blossom. Many prenatal support meetings turn into postnatal playgroups, providing you with countless hours of companionship and support long after the final contractions have faded.

 

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About the Author: Shel Franco is an iParenting contributing writer living in Pennsylvania with her husband, Todd, their two sons and one pug dog.



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