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Becoming a good parent means much more than knowing a lot about babies.
Regardless of whether labor is long or short, whether it is hard or easy whether a baby is born vaginally or by Cesarean, most parents recall the first hours and days after birth as crystal-clear images surrounded by haze. It is in this haze that you first take in your baby and make a giant leap from pregnancy to parenting.
Despite all the anticipatory parenting done before conception and
during pregnancy, despite weeks of feeling movement within and fantasizing about your baby, despite
months of having strange dreams, worrisome thoughts, and musings about what kind of parent you will be,
the first time you hold your baby in your arms and call yourself mother or father, mama or papa, mommy
or daddy, an awareness floods over you that life will never be the same again. Another human being is
now dependent upon you for survival. More than anything else, you want to be the best parent possible.
Your awareness of your baby's dependency and your desire to be a good parent will together be a great source of energy and a great source of stress. Both are part of being a parent.
Becoming a good parent means much more than knowing a lot about babies. Ask pediatric doctors or nurses what it was like for them to be new parents. They will tell you that all their knowledge about babies was not enough to keep them from being overwhelmed by their own babies. All new parents feel the same way. All new parents work at knowing, understanding, and loving their babies. Your baby will work just as hard at learning to know, understand, and love you. This is the process of attachment-the work that parents and babies do together to form a deep and lasting love. It is what becoming a family is all about.
New families in the United States face some challenges that families in most other countries do not. In the United States, where nearly 99 percent of women give birth in hospitals, the average hospital stay after childbirth is two days for a woman who has given birth vaginally, three to four days for a woman who has given birth by cesarean. In many communities, new families are discharged from the hospital within twenty-four hours of birth. Such early discharge will probably become the norm by the year 2000. In most other countries, both industrialized and developing, the postpartum period is seen as being at least as important as the prenatal period. Because of this, women giving birth in hospitals have longer stays. More importantly, services are brought to the homes of new families. No matter how long the stay in a hospital or birth center, the family's transition to home-and to sole responsibility for the newborn-is overwhelming. in many countries all new families are visited at home by midwives, nurses, or other trained personnel who teach parenting skills, assess the mother's and baby's health, and provide moral support (and sometimes, as in the Netherlands, government-paid helpers do the housekeeping!). In the United States, such services are now provided to only a small minority of women.
Other Changes You May Notice
The day after birth, you may ache all over from the work you did in labor. Your arms and legs may be
sore from pulling back on your legs while pushing out the baby.
Although achy legs are normal, tenderness, pain, or warmth in your calves and swollen or reddened veins are warning signs that you should report to your doctor or midwife immediately. These signs could indicate thrombophlebitis, an inflammation of a vein that can result in formation of a blood clot. Postpartum women are at slightly increased risk of this because the vein walls normally relax somewhat in pregnancy. To reduce the risk of thrombophlebitis, increase circulation in your legs by doing foot rotations (see page 2 1) and by getting up and walking soon after birth. Thrombophlebitis is treated with bed rest, elevation of the affected leg, hot packs, and the use of elastic stockings.
Medications may also be needed to prevent infection and clot formation. The affected leg should not be massaged.
Joints that relaxed in pregnancy to allow for the baby's growth and birth will return to their pre-pregnancy condition within several weeks of birth. Many women, however, feel that the rib cage and pelvis remain slightly expanded for the rest of their lives.
Abdominal muscles are relaxed after birth, so the abdomen is soft and still rounded. All women have some degree of separation of the abdominal muscles, which lessens with exercise.
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Any stretch marks you have will seem more obvious after birth than before. Although stretch marks never completely disappear, they fade to silvery white lines in the months after childbirth. Darkened areas of the skin, such as the areola and the linea nigra, a dark line from the belly button to pubic bone, may tighten but may not completely fade. Many women note changes in their hair after birth -- most commonly, profuse hair loss. This is because pregnancy hormones stimulate hair growth. With the drop in these hormones, the extra hair that grew in pregnancy will fall out. This begins around three months after birth and usually ends within a couple of months. |
Perhaps the most common feeling of new mothers after childbirth is that of being bone-tired. This seems especially true of women who have just had their first babies. Often, fatigue is combined with such excitement in the first days that sleep is difficult. The usual aches and pains of the early postpartum period can make it even harder to sleep. But beyond the first few days after birth, most women find daily naps are essential to their well-being.
Caring for Yourself after a Cesarean
Each woman recovers in her own unique way after Cesarean birth, just as after vaginal birth. Pain
medications can help during the first few days (the medications given are considered safe during
breastfeeding). The nurses will assist you in getting up the first time, learning to cough or huff to
keep your chest clear, dealing with the gas that can follow surgery, and learning to hold your baby in
ways that are comfortable for you. If assistance is not available when you need it, press your call
button and ask for help. All new parents can benefit from assistance at home after childbirth, but for
a woman who has had a cesarean birth such help is essential for at least the first week. Not only are
you undergoing a transformation to a nonpregnant state and learning to care for your new baby, you are
recovering from major surgery. Adequate help, allowing you to rest often during the day, can make a
great difference in how quickly you feel strong and well. Taking care of yourself and your baby should
be your only duties until you feel ready to take on more.
These activity restrictions are usually recommended:
- Limit stair climbing as much as possible.
- Don't lift anything heavier than your baby for the first two weeks.
- Ask your mate or a friend to do laundry, vacuuming, and other tasks that require bending, lifting, or pushing for at least the first few weeks after birth. Then resume such work gradually.
- Do not drive a car for the first two weeks.
- Take showers instead of tub baths until the incision is completely healed and dry.
Ask your doctor or midwife for specific instructions on the care of your incision.
Accepting Your Initial Responses to Your Baby
Like her labor, a woman's initial response to her baby is something she remembers for a lifetime. Women
greet their babies in as many ways as there are mothers. Before they give birth, most women anticipate
a rush of loving feelings, or even tears of joy. Others anticipate instantly "feeling like a mother."
Some women actually experience these things. Many do not.
Sometimes, a woman
experiences a temporary holding back from the baby whose birth caused pain or emotional trauma. A new
mother may have a feeling of distance-which in retrospect may seem like disinterest. Or she may feel a
strong need to attend to herself, pain and exhaustion compete with interest in the baby. In retrospect,
she may see herself as selfish. Coolness, distance, self-centeredness -- none of these fit with any
woman's conception of a "good mother." Because of this, many women say they feel guilty about their
initial responses to their babies.
Many women speak of feeling outside of themselves after labor. It is as though one's personal boundaries are hazy. Is it any wonder that women feel they are not taking their babies in -- "as they should?" They can hardly take themselves in! This is to be expected. Most women say it takes days to come back into themselves. This is the natural rhythm of things. Something amazing is going on. As boundaries are reclarified, they are also redefined. You are now a mother. Your baby is no longer one with you, as in pregnancy. But the new boundaries are extended, to connect you for a lifetime to this other person. This connection is the essential work of the first months of parenting. You may have all the loving feelings you anticipated, but if you do not, give them time to evolve, as you do the work of taking on your new role.
