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The Unenthusiastic Partner

Coping with Lack of Support
in Pregnancy

By Amy Carey

We were months from celebrating our second wedding anniversary when I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. Both my husband and I had recently started jobs far from our hometown and families. We were already struggling with the responsibility of one Shetland Sheepdog and an overweight cat -- how would we deal with having a baby?

While First Response commercials and programs on The Learning Channel depict couples embracing and giddy at the prospect of having a child, not all couples are either prepared or enthusiastic about having a baby in their lives. In my case, an otherwise normal pregnancy was complicated by my husband's reaction to the plus sign on our pregnancy test. Unable to accept the idea that I was pregnant, he did not talk about the baby, wouldn't drive me to Babies R Us and immersed himself in his work.

At the time, I thought I was the only married woman on the planet whose husband was not giving her foot massages, buying infant layette sets and driving her to prenatal appointments. The truth is, many expectant mothers find themselves just as disappointed as I was by their partner's lack of enthusiasm. For example, Mandy, a mother of two from Alabama, says her husband "made me feel like I was a single parent at times. I felt like I was all alone going through my pregnancy." Sabrina, currently pregnant with her second child, would "read articles about over-attentive husbands and be envious. I would think 'where are the massages, the pampering?'"

A father-to-be may have a number of reasons to feel less than enthusiastic about his partner's pregnancy. For one, the impending birth may not be "real" to him. While baby is kicking in Mom's belly and she hefts its weight wherever she goes, Dad does not share the physical experience of carrying a child. On top of this, he may be frozen with worry about family finances. Will he be able to provide for a child? What if Mom decides not to go back to work? At one point, Sabrina's partner told her he was preoccupied with "trying to figure a way for us to move in to a bigger place and still make it on his income alone." Mandy's husband "hardly ever initialized conversations concerning the baby" unless he was expressing "how financially concerned he was."

Want to see more?

• Alone: Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy Without a Partner
• How to be Pregnant and Proud
• Choosing Single Motherhood