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Trying New Traditions

Single Moms and the Holidays
By Teri Brown

Kira Nunez from Aurora, Colo., didn't expect to spend the holidays as a single mother to three boys. "My husband moved out on Halloween, so we were all still in shock during Thanksgiving and Christmas," says Nunez, who is raising a 6-month-old, a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old. "The first holidays were unbelievably difficult."

The divorce, says Nunez, led to many painful moments for her and the children that first year, including an unfortunate Christmas pageant. "The older boys were shepherds in the play, and they were sure their dad would come to the play to see their baby brother be Baby Jesus," says Nunez. "By about halfway through the play it was clear to both of them that their dad wasn't coming, and there were two shepherds crying through the Christmas story that year."

Hope Through the Holidays
Although the first year after a divorce, as Nunez found, can be painful, it doesn't have to be a complete disaster. The good news is that making it through the first holidays after (or during) a divorce is something you only have to do once. The holidays become easier as time goes on. The key is to be prepared for the avalanche of emotions that are sure to hit you and your children on holiday occasions.

"There are three things you need to be especially aware of as you go into your first holidays after the divorce," says Vickie Lansky, author of more than a dozen books on parenting including Vicki Lansky's Divorce Book for Parents: Helping Children Cope With Divorce and Its Aftermath (Book Peddlers, 2003). "One, realize that you are probably going to be alone for part of the holidays. Two, you will probably have less money than you would normally have. Three, you are going to have to compromise your normal family traditions."

Out With the Old
In fact, according to Lansky, it may be better not to try to follow all your old family traditions. "Often, doing the same thing you've always done just accentuates the loss for both you and your children," says Lansky. "Do enough familiar things that not everything is different, but realize it is time to start some new family traditions, too."

New traditions can include going on a trip for the holidays, serving dinner at a local shelter or going to a holiday movie. "New traditions don't have to be expensive, just use your creative energy to come up with something novel," says Lansky.

Shirley Thomas, Ph. D., a child and family psychologist and author of Parents Are Forever: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming Successful Co-Parents After Divorce (Springboard, 1996), believes that for children under 5, getting together for short periods of time to have dinner or do something as a family is very helpful in getting through that first difficult year. It is a precious gift you can give your child. However, she cautions, this may not be a good idea for older children.

"Older boys and girls may actually feel worse with artificial family reunions set up just because it is Thanksgiving or Christmas day," says Thomas. "And you may feel worse as the parent – guilty about not being able to keep your family together for these special days. And certainly by the time you have been apart a while – after the second year – you should always plan separate celebrations to strengthen your new identity as individual family units."

In With the New
Thomas believes that starting new traditions the first year after separation will help you heal more quickly from divorce. She gives the following tips:

  1. Change old traditions that you always enjoyed, but just enough to make them new, and "yours." If you always trimmed the Christmas tree as a family with the tree in the living room window, trim it this year with your kids, but get some new decorations or maybe put the tree in the corner by the stairway. Combining the old with the new will help you form that new identity of YOU after divorce, a task that all single parents must face.
  2. Build new traditions, perhaps based on rituals you had in your family of origin. Now is the time to reach back into your life before your marriage and bring out something you always loved as a child. If your own mom or dad took you to church on Christmas Eve and then served eggnog while you all sang carols, revive this tradition for your children this year. You will have a sense of continuity.
  3. Build brand new traditions. A single parent's personal growth involves continuing on the path of your life, and after divorce, the path is taking you in new directions. Building new rituals into your post-divorce reality will give you a sense of accomplishment and creativity. Although it's possible your children may resist doing things differently at first, they'll react positively when the holidays planned by their separated parents can give them even more to look forward to.

Make Time for You
Another important aspect of single parenting through the first holidays is focusing on you. The days are darker and seasonal depression is common with many women, let alone those trying to juggle childcare and make merriness out of emptiness.

"Newly single parents can do lots of things to help themselves get through the holidays," says Thomas. "Make time for calming, self-care activities that let you gather your wits."

Prepare for your alone time by not being alone. Meet with friends, spend time with your family or throw a small get together for co-workers.

But according to Thomas, the best thing you can do for your children is to have a holiday planning meeting with your spouse so both of you can have input as to how the holidays are structured. "The co-parenting relationship – the new way you relate to each other – has never been more important than it is now," says Thomas. "No longer intimate partners, you are still your children's' parents and you give them the greatest gift when you work on things together, even if in businesslike fashion."

Divorce creates a sense of loss for the entire family. When you work to make the holidays easier on your children, you reassure everyone that divorce isn't the end of the world.

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About the Author: Teri Brown is a senior contributing writer for iParenting Media.

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