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Ready, Set, Mother

Preparing for Parenthood Means Making Changes and Choices
By Teri Brown

Karen Plomp, mother of six from Lebanon, N.H., believed she had accomplished all the mommy-to-be prerequisites. Turns out she wasn't as prepared to become a mother as she thought.

"I was totally unprepared for motherhood," says Plomp. "I had a vague picture in my mind of how the baby would sleep almost all day, waking up once in a while to eat and to play. Boy, reality was very different from that!"

Plomp says that things were much easier with her later children because she had an idea of what to expect, but the first baby was a difficult adjustment.

But can you really prepare for motherhood? The experts say yes – to a certain extent. Nothing is going to prepare you for the emotional highs and lows that are a part of the job description, but you can prepare yourself for the physical demands of motherhood and figure out the logistics of becoming a parent.

Emotional Preparation
Lisa Groen Braner, author of The Mother's Book of Well-Being (Conari, 2003), believes that becoming a mother isn't as automatic or as simple as everyone assumes. "The passage from woman to mother is complex," says Braner. "It causes us to reexamine who we are and who we want to be for our children. Becoming a mother suddenly places you in the seat of true adulthood, yet it takes time before one feels comfortable and confident in the role."

Braner believes this is important to remember when anticipating childbirth. The expectations of new parents are high, fed by a culture that shows new motherhood to be a time of bliss and tranquility.

"So often we come to the role with perceptions of how motherhood will be and realize how unprepared we really are," says Braner. "Becoming a mother may be the first time a woman is 'called' to devote herself to a job unconditionally. Some moments find her strong and tireless, and others will find her exhausted and unsure."

Braner cautions new mothers to turn away from anything that might deny, burden or sabotage their new roles. "If a new mother is gentle with herself, she is able to extend herself more intently to her child," says Braner. "Love for oneself begets love for one's child."

Braner suggests that one way a new mom can prepare herself for motherhood is to keep a journal throughout the process of becoming a mother. This will help to keep the new mother in touch with herself emotionally. "After the baby's born, our hearing is tuned outward to distinguish between cries of hunger and fatigue, but mothers need to remember to keep an ear to their own inner needs too," says Braner.

Mental Preparation
Numerous books have been written about the physical and emotional needs of infants. As our knowledge increases, so does the pressure we put on ourselves to know and understand everything. This sort of pressure is counterproductive when it comes to preparing ourselves mentally for motherhood.

"Reading parenting books is fine, but I also recommend reading personal stories from mothers themselves," says Braner. "Sometimes parenting books unintentionally reinforce unrealistic expectations for parents, leading them to believe there's only one 'right' way to parent, and that's just not true."

Another source for good, solid mothering information can be found in a mentor. She doesn't necessarily have to be a member of your family and you don't necessarily have to take all the advice she hands out. But a compassionate woman with experience can help you feel more self confident about yourself as a mother and give some on-target, no nonsense advice.

Also, remember that joining a mother's support group before you have your child can be a great source of information as well as being an emotional support. Web sites, radio shows and both national and local magazines are also good for up-to-the-minute information.

Physical Preparation
Motherhood is a physically demanding job, but there are things you can do to help prepare for those challenges.

Dr. Kevin Leman, author of more than a dozen parenting books including The New Birth Order Book (Revell, 1998) and First-Time Mom (Tyndale, 2004), believes it is important for mothers to be at their physical best before Baby comes.

"Mothers who eat well and exercise before the baby comes are more physically and emotionally able to withstand the demands that motherhood makes on the body," says Dr. Leman.

Susan Stern Calenda from New York, N.Y., believes that exercise better prepared her, both physically and emotionally, for motherhood. "I worked out a lot," says Calenda. "Doing yoga and swimming helped me not only prepare physically, but mentally. Yoga strengthened my back and legs. It also helped relax me."

Lifestyle Preparation
Getting ready for the physical challenges of motherhood with yoga wasn't the only way Calenda prepared for her new role. Calenda was a working for a midtown public relations firm before deciding to have a baby. Wanting to stay at home with her child, she opened her own public relations business out of her home.

"I can do it from home while watching my baby grow," says Calenda. "I also have hired help four days a week to care for the baby and have an intern for work come in to assist me."

Another exercise in logistics that needs to be considered is your work schedule and your husband's work schedule. How long can you take off work? Who will care for your child when you do go back to work? Do you really want to go back to work? And if you don't, can you afford to stay home with your baby for an extended period of time?

Dr. Leman says that the one piece of advice he always gives parents-to-be is to try to live off of one income immediately after finding out there is a baby on the way. "That way you become used to living on one income and will feel freer to make the decision to stay home with your child if that is what you and your husband want," says Dr. Leman.

By living on one income for a while, you may also be able to set some money aside for emergencies.

Other logistic issues to consider: If you do decide on childcare, who will take the baby and who will pick up the baby? Should you get one car seat or two? For some parents one is enough and they simply switch the seat from car to car when necessary. Other parents, especially those who share daycare duties, prefer to have a seat in each car.

Ready for Motherhood
Preparing to be a mother certainly isn't as grim as preparing for battle, but you are getting ready for one of the most life changing events you will ever experience.

"There is probably no more defining time in a woman's life than walking through the doors of a hospital as one person and walking out two days later as another," says Braner. "Maternal devotion allows us to step beyond ourselves and in the process leads us more deeply into the truth of who we are. Sure, there will be sleepless nights and endless laundry, but underneath will be one of the richest and fulfilling experiences you'll ever know."

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About the Author: Teri Brown is a senior contributing writer for iParenting Media.

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